How to Shoot a Lion. Legally.

With all the fuss over the American who shot Cecil the lion on a hunting trip, our reporters investigated places where you can legally shoot a lion in the face, skin it, and take home a nice fireside rug without getting death threats.

Keremballa game reserve is unique. Situated on the Nabatean border with Zanziland, its the most central point in Africa and the place where lions, elephants and zebra migrate to die. Amazing as it seems, the Zanziland government has kept this place secret for centuries, until Cecil got filled with lead.

The outcry reached the ears of Hrungi M’Butu, minister for the environment and migrant affairs and professor of anthropology at Zanziland’s D’Rangi university, who had a spectacular idea. M’Butu convened a meeting of park rangers to ascertain the shortest distance the average punter comes to an animal on safari. Using the Lyngstone Wobble methodology of distance over shooting, divided by camera shot and happiness, he realized there is no way a normal tourist would know the difference between a live and dead animal if it was propped up, say against a tree.

The brilliance of his plan lay in the proximity of his house to Keremballa and the animals graveyard. Over the next few months Hrungi M’Butu made sixteen visits to Keremballa and loaded his white van with dead or dying animals.

At his secret lab he finished off the dying animals and got to work constructing a wire frame that would hold a dead animal taught in a convincing pose. Sure there were bits of wire sticking out and sure the animals were already decomposing but at a certain distance or on night safaris nobody would notice.

M’Butu announced a hunting zone was now open in Keremballa and invited a delegation from the oldest American hunting association, KILL, to take part in a three day shoot to kill any animal they saw. Of course he did not reveal his secret and the Americans blew away 40 animals in three days. They were amazed how quickly they decomposed in the sun, but were more than happy posing with elephants, lions and zebras, all covered in flies and bloody holes, for hunting pictures. They then skinned the animals and returned home happy.

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Following this successful trial, M’Butu received an official licence to shoot dead animals from the Zanziland government and opened his first lodge.

Over the next two years M’Butu opened six lodges in Keremballa and another two in neighbouring Nonceloondt.

In January 2015, M’Butu had to resign from the Zanziland government over charges of lamb abuse. 14 other farmyard animals were asked to testify in Zanzilands Crown Court. Convicted on a charge of breaking and entering lambs and a calf,  he was sent down for a six month spell in Zanziland’s infamous N’Galaltatta prison. After his release  M’Butu, a broken man, published his memoirs ‘At least Dead Animals Don’t Struggle’.

Keremballa and Nonceloondt game parks are accessible by private helicopter from Zanziland International Airport. Hrungi M’Butu still owns the parks and can be seen wondering among the dead or dying animals on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but tourists are advised not to approach him without a prior appointment and an armed guard. For more info visit http://www.keremballadeadanimalparkandspa.com

 

 

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