Hollywood: Last Animal Wilderness

The world’s media was full of nothing but this extraordinary story last week, but we at BS Travel Guide are the first to interview the man of the hour, Hollywood film mogul Crispin Crentin III.

Just in case you were at the North Pole or top of Mount Everest and didn’t have the usual Wi-Fi access there, let’s fill you in on the massive news.

Flying a drone above Los Angeles, looking for a suitable location for his next movie Zombies Recycled IV: A Green Beginning™, Crentin and his remote pilot, Hank Westerblatt, discovered an enormous cavern in the O that follows the W in the celebrated Hollywood sign.

BS: Did you have any clue what you were about to discover?

CC3: We’ve filmed in some pretty remarkable places in the past. Zombies Recycled III: Real Space™ was the first movie ever filmed fully in outer space, so we knew we needed to find something that would eclipse even that.

My son Crispin Crentin III Jr. is a damn good spelunker and knew that Mount Lee is riddled with caves, so we thought what about some underground adventure for Zombie Judy™ and her friends.

But when the drone was hovering by the sign we couldn’t believe our eyes. I dropped my cigar. [Ed: CC3 is famous for always having a cigar in his mouth. Dropping it is a big thing!]

BS: Please talk us through what the drone found.

CC3: All we could see through the O was a grown elephant’s face.

Nellie tries to cover her ass with her tail. (D Coetzee / flickr)
Nellie tries to cover her ass with her tail. (D Coetzee / flickr)

We used the remote to scare the elephant by sounding the drone’s siren. Nellie turned and disappeared into the hillside. The drone followed, so at first all we could see was elephantine ass.

But once through the rock face, the elephant moved right and Hank took the drone left – into the largest cavern you will ever see. The entire interior of Mount Lee is hollow, with a giant lake at the base.

Paths spread out from the O in all directions around the circumference of the cave. They were filled with all the great beasts you would expect to see in Africa – lions, zebras, wildebeest, antelopes and many others. But more than anything, this place belongs to the elephants.

BS: What have you learned of the history of the cavern?

CC3: The Hollywood sign was erected in 1923, in the fateful week of The Great Quake. While people were trying to put their lives back together, no one noticed several species of animal escaped from Los Angeles African Zoo. The elephants led the way, and as shown a remarkable piece of video accidentally shot by Charlie Chaplin’s film crew, the elephants began to create the cave.

BS: So what next?

CC3: Well, the authorities have agreed we can finish our movie inside the cave. We’ve renamed it Zombies Recycled IV: A Tusk Too Far™. The scenario is now based on Zombie Judy™ avenging the death of her lover Assassinator™, who was trampled to death by a herd of cave-dwelling zombie elephants.

We’re trying to do this as humanely as possible and hope some animals will survive our Blastathon™ final scene, so that tourists will be able to see how this cavern existed for the last 90 years.

The cavern is something to behold but the movie will be even better.  Don’t forget you can buy Zombie Judy™ and Assassinator™ lifelike figurines and the Blastathon™ game in all good toystores.

[Ed: Crispin Crentin III Land is expected to open in late January 2017. Book online at www.travelopediyak.com.

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