I’m Hungary for Hare

No, it’s not a spelling mistake. Salami is big in Hungary’s capital Budapest. So much so, September 2016 marks the inaugural World Salami Sword-Fighting Championships.

The competition will take place on Margaret Island in the middle of the Danube. The isle is named for the patron saint of sausage and salami makers, who tragically died from a garlic overdose, the first known case of its kind in the 13th Century.

The most popular worsts are likely to be the hare and donkey varieties, which when sharpened make for tremendous blades.

“I couldn’t believe the tips are so pointy and dangerous,” says Baron Irvin Von Krautdōngler, the 1974 world fencing champion. “If it weren’t for the magnificent scent I would be sure this was a rapier.”

Many of eastern Europe’s best known salami makers spent the last three years researching which of their giant dried sausages would make the best sword. For who is a swordsman without a sword, as the well-known Albanian saying goes.

The favorite to take the title is local butcher Laszlo Kardos. He is exactly what a swordsman should be, beefy, mustachioed and of bendy knee.

His main rival is former East German hurdler Erica Krichsmybacher. While she famously failed a sex test in the 1983 Olympic Games, the worst tournament makes no distinction between men and women.

Tickets are available via the application forms on the sides of all quality bratwursts.

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